Tag Archives: noah

Look what (mess) God Made!

10 Jul

FOUND:

Look what God made! (VHS)

kids bible video

Yet another Wiser Family Video find, and it’s just as bad. Bible stories told with cutsey animation and a rhyming voiceover. They never..stop…rhyming!

The Wiser Family consists of Grandma and Grandpa and a bunch of kids. We never learn what happened to the parents.

In this video we learn how human kind was created, and how good God is.  We also learn that Adam doesn’t have nipples or a belly button.  Here’s the recap:

God creates the world, humans and animals. Humans, who have no knowledge, get blamed for Satan tricking them and banished. They have two boys, one of which kills the other and is cursed. God creates rain to kill every man, woman and child, but spares Noah’s family and a small group of animals. Oh and rainbows get invented.

God, you’re not very good at this God business are you?

Introducing the Wiser Family

Adam and Eve, and how we didn’t come from Monkeys

Adam gets a Wife to love and enjoy, hell ya!

Eve gets a Nipple-less Man to love and serve, wait what?!

Noah, a dog, a donkey, a sheep, a pig and a chicken

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Let’s face it…. History is subjective

2 Oct

I found an old 1918 book at Christian Crap. It’s supposed to provide a complete Biblical History for School and Home.

The book steps through all most of the Bible stories and has review questions at the end.

Not a very exciting read as I’m sure you can imagine.

I skimmed most of it, then turned to some of the stories where I knew some of the favorite Bible characters did some awful things.

I wasn’t the least bit surprised to see these were either omitted entirely (Lot’s daughters), or explained away (Noah’s drunkenness).

The Illustrations in the book are really nice… well, beautiful. The subject matter isn’t always nice.

The owner of the book made sure we knew the Sodom and Gomorrah story  was here. Some things never change.

The story of Noah’s ark was all there. Even the part where the most righteous man gets drunk off his ass. But Rev. Herman gives a nice explanation for that…

… riiiiight…even though humans had been growing grapes since the beginning of time.

The owner of the book wrote a long list of columns in the back of the book. Does anyone know what these might mean?

Also written in the back of the book, the owner made note of all the major religions of the world.

Ah yes, the good ol’ days. When selecting religion on your online social network profile meant a single simple selection from 3 radio buttons. Unlike today, where you have to search through a blasphemous multi-layered drop-down list of heathens.

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