How to save a soul: Presbyterian style (circa 1973)

6 Aug

So I found an interesting tape today. Ever heard a pastor lead someone to Christ? Perhaps you yourself sat with a Reverend, and he asked you if you wished to be saved.

Did they sound a little rehearsed?  This stuff takes practice. Saving souls is serious business, and there’s a right way and a wrong way.

Below is a recording from 1973, of a pastor learning the right way to save a soul.  He’s got church member Scotty acting as a “practice soul”, and an executive pastor walking him through, and them making this recording to listen to afterward. Just like football players after a big game.

Now you too can learn How to save a soul, old-school Presbyterian style.

Note: The tape is labeled First Presbyterian Church, 1973.. that’s how I know the year and church.

DISCLAIMER this recording may bore some to tears.

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Kirk or Picard? Janeway or Kellie?

14 Jul

My local Christian thrift store came through again, and I found a couple of Superkids videos. Below is the first one..


FOUND:

Commander Kellie & the Superkids

The Intruder (VHS) (1992)

kellie and superkidsKellie Copeland as Commander Kellie
Ryan Brockington as Paul   
Elizabeth Stewart as Missy
Jenny Van Wagner as Valerie
Stephen Glenn as Rapper
Joel Davis as Alex
Cory Edwards as NME Agent  
Carman as Mario

Commander Kellie and her super kids are part of the Superkids Academy. They fight the evil NME Corporation (Notoriously Malicious Enterprises), a media company that spreads evil programming (FOX?).

Intro

They believe if they can control the children, they can control the future. Hmm… Christians should know a little something about that. Get the kids to church, and they stay in church. And the parents follow, right Christians, right?  I didn’t have the privilege of watching this show as a kid, but I’m pretty sure I would have liked it. The sci-fi theme, combined with militaristic uniforms and dance choreography is a guaranteed winner.

I love how these shows make it seem like unbelievers = evil bad-guys who believe in God, but fight against him despite the fact that you have to be a complete idiot to think you’ll win. Hey Kids! Join the SuperKids Academy, and you too will defeat every straw man that comes your way!

Carman guest stars in this video. During the second song, they keep shooting to him staring and nodding, like he’s checking them all out. Creepy.

Carman approves

Commander Kellie reminds me of Captain Janeway. Well, only because she’s in uniform, has boobs, and if you squint your eyes she kinda looks like her. Oh, and she touches people waaay too much.

it's called personal space Commander

It being 1992, there is of course a rapping kid, who goes by the original name of “The Rapper“.  He wears his hat backwards and says “Yo” alot.

Alex (Joel Davis)  is the token nerd, and token minority. And he’s adorable. I’m pretty sure I found him online, still in the ministry. And still flashing that smile.

maybe Alex, what do you think?

Every children’s show has the “Leader Kid”, and in this show it would be Paul (Ryan Brockington). He has done some work here and there since then.

Paul/Ryan Brockington

Finally there’s the evil NME agent. He makes funny faces and I think he’s supposed to be the comic relief.

Cory Edwards

He’s also done some impressive work since then as the writer/director of Hoodwinked!  A funny movie by the way 🙂

Commander Kellie is the real star of course. She’s played by Kellie Copeland Swisher, the daughter of big time televangelists Kenneth and Gloria Copeland. She’s still in the ministry but gets flack for being a 3 time divorcee. Hey, you can’t expect Commander Kellie to stay tied down when she’s got a whole crew of kids stuck in the Delta Quadrant, and the Borg on her ass!

Below are the two featured songs, which include ALL of the dance moves invented in the early 90’s.

Superkid Academy Song

The “Truth in the Word” song has the best choreography EVER. It reminds me of the dance scene from Romy & Michelle. But you may compare them yourself and see.

Superkids “Truth in the Word” song featuring Creepy Carman

Romy & Michelle dance. Same choreographer?

Next…  Lost in Silver Canyon

Look what (mess) God Made!

10 Jul

FOUND:

Look what God made! (VHS)

kids bible video

Yet another Wiser Family Video find, and it’s just as bad. Bible stories told with cutsey animation and a rhyming voiceover. They never..stop…rhyming!

The Wiser Family consists of Grandma and Grandpa and a bunch of kids. We never learn what happened to the parents.

In this video we learn how human kind was created, and how good God is.  We also learn that Adam doesn’t have nipples or a belly button.  Here’s the recap:

God creates the world, humans and animals. Humans, who have no knowledge, get blamed for Satan tricking them and banished. They have two boys, one of which kills the other and is cursed. God creates rain to kill every man, woman and child, but spares Noah’s family and a small group of animals. Oh and rainbows get invented.

God, you’re not very good at this God business are you?

Introducing the Wiser Family

Adam and Eve, and how we didn’t come from Monkeys

Adam gets a Wife to love and enjoy, hell ya!

Eve gets a Nipple-less Man to love and serve, wait what?!

Noah, a dog, a donkey, a sheep, a pig and a chicken

Psalty (the singing song book) vs. Risky Rat (the singing Jewish villain)

26 Jun Psalty scares me

FOUND:  

Psalty’s Salvation Celebration  (VHS)

psalty video coverStarring:

Ernie Rettino as Psalty

Robb Rigg as Risky Rat

Joy Lenz (now known as Bethany Joy Galeotti) as Shelly Barns

Psalty was Created by Ernie and Debby Rettino. This movie’s screenplay was written by Wayne Zeitner, who also directed it.

So Where are They Now?

First off I have to say, Risky Rat is my favorite. The actor who plays him manages to be even more “over the top” then Psalty himself, which is no easy feat. And he plays a darn good villain. So who is this Robb Rigg guy?

Apparently, he’s a big time drama teacher. And the students at San Juan Hills High gave him fair ratings:

Total Ratings: 7
Overall Easiness: 4.4 (out of 5)
Overall Helpfulness: 4.9
Overall Clarity: 4.6
Overall Popularity: 7
He also directs shows, like a play called “Fools” at the Camino Real Playhouse. Oh, and because I know you’re curious… here he is without his rat face on:’
Robb Rigg who played Risky Rat

Robb Rigg

Joy Lenz grows up to be Bethany Joy Galeotti. She has had roles on Guiding Light, and a starring role on One Tree Hill. Good for her.

Joy Lenz or Bethany Joy Galeotti

Joy Lenz or Bethany Joy Galeotti

Wayne Zeitner, the screenplay writer and director now owns ZeeWorks Media. I’m not exactly sure what they do, but it looks like they produce movies. He also has some christian themed videos on Vimeo.

And of course the creators of Psalty himself, Ernie and Debby Rettino. They still run the Psalty Empire, though I’m not sure you would call it an empire anymore.

Ernie Rettino

This movie gives a glimpse at the real life Psalty;  a living, breathing, 7 ft. golem book that walks the earth. We also get to meet his perpetual gang of kids who hang on his every word, the equally annoying Charity church mouse, and the scoundrel Risky Rat. If I didn’t know better, Risky Rat looks a little Jewish… hmm, maybe it’s just me. Starring Bethany Joy Galeotti as the little girl Shelly Barns.

Below are some “highlights” from the movie. Welcome to the Nightmare.

Dad leaves Girl with creepy giant blue book

Risky Rat montage

Psalty being cooked by cannibals…why not

Kids, know what you believe. No need to know why.

How to Witness to Atheist Nerds and celebrate a”Happy Re-birthday”.

Solomon the lisping Supersonic salamander hawks some wares

Fire by Nite Intro starring Gay Jesus

10 Jun jesus in gold spandex

Fire by Nite was a Christian skit show, with music videos and “star” interviews. This is the intro from a 1990 show.  The theme for this show was all about Jesus being a tough guy. What?! Does it really matter? I mean.. you are talking about a God you believe to be the Creator of everything that ever existed right?


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