Commander Kellie & the Superkids
The Sword (VHS) (1997)
Kellie Copeland as Commander Kellie
Ryan Brockington as Paul
Elizabeth Stewart as Missy
Jenny Van Wagner as Valerie
Stephen Glenn as Rapper
Joel Davis as Alex
Kenneth Copeland as Daniel Lyon
General Dread as Derek Southers Professor Timothean as Dennis O’Neill (the casting director)
The last adventure of Super Kids! Every movie starts with small talk, you know, to introduce the characters. Rapper apparently thinks footballers are sissys in pads. I thought he said something else. It’s a lively conversation, until “Buzzkill” Valerie butts in.
NME is at it again of course. Something about them creating a super weapon called “The Sword”, and the kids of the world are being lied to. General Fear is a bad dude, and his sword machine is not to be trifled with.
And Major Dread is just a big stupid evil teddy bear.
Last movie, Paul (Ryan Brockington) was the main star, and I would say Valerie (Jenny Van Wagner) was showcased in this movie. She got the solos, and she got the “I’m-a-more-awesome-Christian-than-all-y’all” lines to read.
Valerie vs. General Fear’s sword machine
Jenny Van Wagner still works for the church. She’s on facebook if you care.
With the Super Kids quickly becoming not kids, there were a lot of little kids in this movie. Come on Jesus, lay down the child labor laws.
There was a seemingly random exchange in the beginning between Commander Kellie and a young Russia girl. She shows up, they speak Russian… then she leaves. Strange.
Then I remembered that the last movie had a rather ugly Russian woman as part of NME’s team. She was straight out of some cold war propaganda movie, only worse.
I’m thinking little Natasha (is that really the only name they could come up with?) was some cleanup after the Copeland’s received some flack for their offensive stereotype.
Especially since right after little Natasha leaves, a little boy walks up… “Kellie, does Jesus speak Russian?”
Kellie should have back handed the stupid out of that kid. What kind of question is that?! No, he’s still saving up for Rosetta Stone.
“Yes, yes, we know Russians can be Christians. okay? Can you stop sending letters now, please?”
So the excitement continues as a new cadet is introduced to the Super Kids! Only the girls are bummed, because C.J. is yet another boy cadet. No one new to shop with <sob>
Or is he?….
Some kind of Elec…tronic Destruc…tive.. De..vice
Oh those baseball caps. They’ll get you every time.
Not too spoil it for you, but C.J. is a spy from NME. You see? She’s sneaky. With the boy disguise and the bad acting… she is up to no good.
Next, the NME has a brilliant plan. They create fake super kids, that General Fear dubs the “Fake Super Kids”.
Fake Super Kids
I can’t quite figure out what we are supposed to think of them. Are they making fun of the super kids? Are they supposed to be dancing in an evil way somehow? The choreography is off, is that a sin?
As far as parody Captains go, Kathryn Janeway (or I guess they call her Kate Mulgrew now), wins that one with her role in NTSF:SD:SUV.
Good god that show is funny.
But I digress…
The Super Kids and some new lil’ Super Kids fight back, and destroy the Sword machine. Then C.J. tries to kill Commander Kellie, but fails after her dad sacrifices himself. Finally C.J. joins the Super Kids and God wins, yay.
Look how cute these lil’ Super Kids are!
You know, I looked into this Super Kids manual book, and have you read this thing?! It’s disgusting!
“Hey Caleb, here’s today’s verse from the Super Kids manual”
“Ezekiel twenty three, twenty. There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.”
“Hmm. You know, let’s try Dr. Suess.”
The songs in this movie made me fall asleep, so I’m not even going to post them.
Goodbye Super Kids, you’ve filled our lives with.. um.. well, goodbye Super Kids.